Frankie Fights Food

I’m not even going to call this an official “Vs. Food” match. It might have been, about four months ago, when I was still hopelessly pouring vinegar into the water. Sure at one point I would have sat there, crossing my fingers, invoking any deity I could get my hands on, to try and get the egg to stay together. Even then, if I halfway succeeded I would have to rinse the semi-poached, kind of jack-looking egg in order to get rid of the vinegar taste. I hear some people like it… but I also hear some people buy ludicrously over-priced jeans that some celebrity pretended to design. All I’m saying is, it just goes to show you, there’s no accounting for taste these days.

So no more vinegar eggs for me. That dark era came to a close thanks to the wonders of physics. Did your mother ever tell you that tossing some salt in the water makes it boil faster? Mine did. I’m sure yours did too. And, of course, having the Power of Mom and all, we believed them. It’s a frightening thing, the day you realize your own mother can make mistakes. The world sort of comes crashing down around you, left is right, up is down, and then, like a light in the darkness, you realize that you can make a better poached egg because of it.

Salt raises the boiling temperature of water. Raises, not lowers. Which means the water is going to be hotter before it starts to boil, an absolutely perfect environment for poaching an egg. You never want to let the water boil. If you do, welcome to a frothy egg white soup and a (at best) mangled yolk. In the world of the poached egg, boil = bad! Got it? Alright, let’s review.

(Water + salt)/medium heat. Simple enough, right? Once the water is just on the cusp of boiling, when all those tiny bubbles are lining the bottom and sides, but have yet to rise to the surface, it is time to stir. Now, don’t under-estimate the stir! It’s really on proper stirring technique alone that I’ve come as far as I have in the world of Professional Poached Eggery. Sure, you can get fancy with your stir, adding flicks and taps, little swooshes to impress the audience, but it won’t do you on bit of good. Velocity, that’s what it’s all about. Start on the outside and stir your way into the center until you have a sharp, tight whirlpool. Then, the second the whirlpool is there and you take your spoon out, don’t waste a moment on hesitation and pour the egg (I’d recommend from a teacup) right into the middle of the water. The velocity will keep even the stray strings of egg white spiraling around the yolk and down your path of victory.

Then… do nothing! Don’t disturb the water at all for about 30 seconds to a minute. Then carefully, and I mean carefully, take a spoon and separate the egg from the bottom of the pot (if it’s sticking, which it almost always does. Just nudge it a bit from each side, slipping the spoon or spatula underneath it. Once it’s unattached, you just sit back and wait, remembering not to let the water boil (which it shouldn’t really, but stranger things have happened).

Once all the white is firm, you are a slotted spoon and a paper towel (to remove the excess water) away from one hell of a breakfast… or lunch… or dinner… Have I mentioned how much I love poached eggs? Ok. I promise. I’m done talking about it now.

Postscript:
As I am a champ at this little culinary necessity, I, of course, wrote the article before I made the egg for the photos. Did I grin, arrogantly, as I typed my impending victory? Of course. Did my grin get slapped off my face as I was trying to transfer the finished (and lovely) egg onto some bread and happened to drop it on my camera, leaving little bits of egg white still stuck to my flash? Yes. Did I eat the thing anyway, even though the yolk broke open on top of my mini-fridge? You know it. Was it still delicious? … do you even have to ask?